fear

When I finished chemo, I asserted to my dad that I would never get fat…because if I became fat, how would I know if I had a tumor again?

Five years later, I still have days where I press on and around my stomach, to see if I feel anything that is remotely tumor-like. Today is one of those days.

It’s not often that I feel this flood of fear about cancer. Actually, I’d say it’s pretty rare. However, I’m 7.5 months into being 25, and nothing bad has happened this year. Really, it’s the first time in years that I’ve made it so many months without something “bad” happening, and I can’t help but think: Uh oh, something bad must be just around the corner right?

So here I am…two days away from a doctor’s appointment, and petrified that this appointment will bring the news: your cancer is back. You were right.

There’s nothing that strongly supports my fear about cancer. Little things. I’ve been a little more tired than usual—but that’s probably just because it’s summer break, right? I threw up a little the other night—but that was probably because I ate something that didn’t sit right with me, yes?

Some other things that I would share but that might be TMI...they must all be stress-related. Surely the anxiety of FEARING CANCER has stressed my body into these things. Sometimes my stomach feels like it’s extra full, a little bloated. Please let that be the result of my weight and poor summer eating choices. Please.

The real support here of course is the fact that I’m 25, and nothing bad has happened this year.

It’s funny, I reread what I wrote, and I sound like Debbie Downer. I don’t just sound like Debbie Downer, I AM Debbie Downer. I’m sitting in my house, scared of cancer. I am the epitome of Debbie Downer.

Most days of my life, however, I feel REALLY happy. Yup. Even now, I feel so LUCKY with all the blessings in my life. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, a great job, a super-cool dog…

…and that’s probably why this fear weighs all the more heavily on me. I know I can’t live life worried about “what if I get cancer?” (or for that matter, what if I get Alzheimer’s?), but indulge me for a moment. What if I get cancer?? And by “get cancer”…I mean, what if my cancer comes back? If my life sucked, maybe that would be okay. If my life were terrible and dreadful and I weren’t happy, maybe cancer would be fitting.

But life is GOOD now. Life is GREAT now. After ten years of craziness, life has settled. It’s settled in ways I wish it hadn’t (I wish I didn’t live 2000 miles from my family…I wish my mom didn’t die in October…I wish she had never gotten sick),  and in ways I am so happy it did (I have a phenomenal job…despite living so far from my family, I’ve been able to see them and talk with them often…I miss my mom IMMENSELY, but I no longer worry about what will happen to her or if she is in pain or what will happen after she passes away and if we’ll be able to survive it).

Cancer, you are not fitting right now. 

I hope and pray you are not fitting right now.

The next couple days will inevitably be filled with anxiety. They are however days that not many 25 year olds have. I actually have to sit back and force myself to think: Am I happy with my life? If I DO find out I have cancer, what will I do, and will I regret my choices as of late? The whole “live today as if it is your last” mentality comes to mind. Have I been doing that? If my world comes falling around me in a few days, if I find out chemo is the path I need to take…maybe radiation…or God forbid (please, God, forbid this) I find out I have cancer that has spread and is no longer treatable…what is my plan, and have I been living my life as I should have been the past years?

…and the fact is, even if I am healthy, I still need to think:

Am I happy?

Have I been living my life as I should have been the past years (and not just the past years, the past months, the past days)?

I wrote this a week ago and decided I would post this regardless of what my test results were. Fortunately, the blood tests came back fine.
 ♥a

P.S. Dad, I know you will read this. Don't freak out...or cry. I swear I'm fine.