I have been trying to process what happened in Newtown, Connecticut over the past 36 hours.
I also know there's no way to process it...no way to understand what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School yesterday.
20 children are dead.
6 adults are dead.
There is no comprehending that kind of loss.
What I think scares me even more is that this is not the first time this has happened. When Columbine happened, my world was rocked; my school's world was rocked, and everything stopped. We put on the TV. We sat stunned in our classrooms that anything like that could happen, and we started asking questions: Can this happen at our school? What do we do if this happens? Why does this happen? I remember talking with my parents, with my teachers and friends at school--and I remember thinking about Columbine and being affected by it for a long time after that April day in sixth grade, and since then I have been taken aback each time a similar event has taken place.
Newtown similarly stopped me in my tracks yesterday. I caught a glimpse of a breaking news feed on twitter, and my stomach dropped. I looked at my classroom, with 28 bright faces, and I very nearly threw up in my room. It's unthinkable. 20 of those 28 students not being there, not being with me each day at school.
Earlier in the week, I watched someone present her vision for her school. There's something powerful about seeing graphics depicting college graduation rates in LA. This future school leader chose to use photos of her former students--24 photos became 2; 2 students of 24 might graduate from college given the current status of education. Currently 4% of students in east and south LA earn a college degree.
Those photos...they give me goosebumps. They make me want to cry--to think that is the status of education in east and south LA is awful, and when I saw those photos, instead of seeing that woman's students, I saw my own.
...Then, I began to think about those very students, those photos, and instead, this time they are not wiped away because of graduation statistics, but rather, because of one awful, terrible act of violence. This time, it's not just goosebumps I feel. I feel nauseous. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach, and unlike college graduation rates, which I feel empowered and capable of changing, I feel ill, because I don't know how to stop these crazy acts from happening.
Before our winter celebration began in our classroom, I told my students: "I just want to tell you that I love you--I am going to miss you so much over break. You make me so happy, and I hope you call and text me all break long!" I took extra hugs from my students as they left (more than just the one that's always required before they leave each day), and I really do hope they call and text me over break, because that means they are alive and well...and it's something I shouldn't have to worry about over break, nor is it something any parent should ever have to worry about either.
However, last night and today, life went on. I know the world doesn't stop when bad (or good) things happen, but sometimes it just feels like it should. I know we have to celebrate the goodness that is around us and be so grateful that we are in the presence of friends and family we love, but I also wish that we all just mourned for more than an hour, more than a day. We all should be mourning. 20 children died yesterday. There's no need to call them "innocent"--they were children; of course they were innocent. 20 families' lives were ripped apart yesterday, and today, they are still ripped apart. They are going through pain I can never imagine, and right now, there are no comforting words to make these parents feel okay about the loss of their sons and daughters.
There's no neat way to wrap this post up--there's nothing to be said that makes any of what happened in Newtown make sense. I think it's okay that I feel like my insides have been shredded over the loss of these children; as terrible as that description sounds, I know it's nothing compared to what their families feel. I think it's okay that I still feel pain about children being murdered, even though I didn't know them. The only thing I know that's not okay: what happened yesterday, and I hope that we figure out what to do next to make sure it doesn't happen again.
♥a
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