“There are lives I can imagine without children but none of them have the same laughter & noise.” -Brian Andreas

I have been trying to process what happened in Newtown, Connecticut over the past 36 hours.

I also know there's no way to process it...no way to understand what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School yesterday.

20 children are dead.
6 adults are dead.
There is no comprehending that kind of loss.

What I think scares me even more is that this is not the first time this has happened. When Columbine happened, my world was rocked; my school's world was rocked, and everything stopped. We put on the TV. We sat stunned in our classrooms that anything like that could happen, and we started asking questions: Can this happen at our school? What do we do if this happens? Why does this happen? I remember talking with my parents, with my teachers and friends at school--and I remember thinking about Columbine and being affected by it for a long time after that April day in sixth grade, and since then I have been taken aback each time a similar event has taken place.

Newtown similarly stopped me in my tracks yesterday. I caught a glimpse of a breaking news feed on twitter, and my stomach dropped. I looked at my classroom, with 28 bright faces, and I very nearly threw up in my room. It's unthinkable. 20 of those 28 students not being there, not being with me each day at school.

Earlier in the week, I watched someone present her vision for her school. There's something powerful about seeing graphics depicting college graduation rates in LA. This future school leader chose to use photos of her former students--24 photos became 2; 2 students of 24 might graduate from college given the current status of education. Currently 4% of students in east and south LA earn a college degree.

Those photos...they give me goosebumps. They make me want to cry--to think that is the status of education in east and south LA is awful, and when I saw those photos, instead of seeing that woman's students, I saw my own.

...Then, I began to think about those very students, those photos, and instead, this time they are not wiped away because of graduation statistics, but rather, because of one awful, terrible act of violence. This time, it's not just goosebumps I feel. I feel nauseous. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach, and unlike college graduation rates, which I feel empowered and capable of changing, I feel ill, because I don't know how to stop these crazy acts from happening.

Before our winter celebration began in our classroom, I told my students: "I just want to tell you that I love you--I am going to miss you so much over break. You make me so happy, and I hope you call and text me all break long!" I took extra hugs from my students as they left (more than just the one that's always required before they leave each day), and I really do hope they call and text me over break, because that means they are alive and well...and it's something I shouldn't have to worry about over break, nor is it something any parent should ever have to worry about either.

However, last night and today, life went on. I know the world doesn't stop when bad (or good) things happen, but sometimes it just feels like it should. I know we have to celebrate the goodness that is around us and be so grateful that we are in the presence of friends and family we love, but I also wish that we all just mourned for more than an hour, more than a day. We all should be mourning. 20 children died yesterday. There's no need to call them "innocent"--they were children; of course they were innocent. 20 families' lives were ripped apart yesterday, and today, they are still ripped apart. They are going through pain I can never imagine, and right now, there are no comforting words to make these parents feel okay about the loss of their sons and daughters.

There's no neat way to wrap this post up--there's nothing to be said that makes any of what happened in Newtown make sense. I think it's okay that I feel like my insides have been shredded over the loss of these children; as terrible as that description sounds, I know it's nothing compared to what their families feel. I think it's okay that I still feel pain about children being murdered, even though I didn't know them. The only thing I know that's not okay: what happened yesterday, and I hope that we figure out what to do next to make sure it doesn't happen again.

♥a

Here's to a year...

Just over a year ago, I gave a really fun eulogy (sarcasm marks). I also ate a whole pint of ice cream, probably drank an entire pitcher of margaritas, and emptied my bank account doing some retail therapy.

I took today off and realized that at some point I need to start cataloging all these memories I have of my mom--so many things remind me of her, and so many of those memories are from quite a long time ago.  I have two younger cousins both of whom pretty much only knew my mom when she was sick, and most of my friends have never met her.

So, here are the little things I remember, some of the little memories I don't want to forget:

• When I was in elementary school, my mom would sometimes pick me up early from school...and we'd take the train downtown to go the opera, ballet, theater, whatever she picked.  When we were there we would eat these little candies, and for whatever reason, I felt super cool and fancy eating them. Maybe because they come in a cool little tin:

I currently have 3 of them at home--in fact, I'm eating lemon ones as I write--probably getting super cool cavities, because I'm chewing them for maximum sugariness.

• My mom, like me, would do almost anything to make people laugh. When she got sick, I did ridiculous things like decorating her with garland...and doing ballet with a tree skirt on...to make her smile. Please note that these photos are from when I was a freshman in college.

• My mom was a force-to-be-reckoned with, as someone wrote in a letter to my family last year. She did not put up with anyone unless she wanted to... I believe this face (and the flipper about to be thrown) says plenty.

• My mom loved animals, particularly dogs. I'm pretty sure the prompt for this photo was: "Go stand by your dad and pretend like he had a say in whether or not we brought these dogs home..."

• My mom loved her family beyond belief. There are so many hilarious things about this photo (oh my dad's teeth and hair...MY teeth and hair...but it's great nonetheless).

• My mom could sleep through anything. Every night she would fall asleep while we watched TV on the couch.  I now understand why I fall asleep in my work clothes nearly everyday.

• My mom pretty much never wore makeup.

• Similarly, my mom didn't care what other people thought of her. At all. She was pretty damn fearless.

• "When you were finally allowed to come home you weighed 4 pounds but you sure were feisty. You were also a battler just as your mother was." My mom was a battler. :)

• My mom made my brother's and my Halloween costumes. Not in the cool, "Wow your costumes are so fancy way," but in the "Hm, you want to be a princess? Well, why not wear this dress you wore as a flower girl?" or "Really, Chris, you want to be Zorro? I'm sure Zorro had a pair of white shoes too..." way

• My mom had a really great "I'm not impressed" look. I realized this while looking through photos. Thankful I don't remember receiving this look from her!

• My mom was an amazing shopper. She was a pro at searching through sale racks. I unfortunately inherited both my parents' shopping styles: I love sales...and I also am convinced spending more for something is worth it (thanks, Dad). I'm sure my bank account agrees.

• My mom had a lot of confidence: she thought she did amazing accents and also thought she was an amazing singer. I of course loved when she would sing in the car when my friends were present--or even better, when she would bust out her accents in front of friends and their families. I wasn't embarrassed...at all... ;)

• My mom thought Dove soap, Clinique's 3-step system, and Aveda's tea tree oil were the only beauty products you might need. I have learned this to be false.

• My mom also insisted that a cheeseburger could cure almost anything. I have learned this to be true. I ate a cheeseburger 2 days before going to the ER and was convinced I was fine--48 hours later I had surgery, but that cheeseburger really fixed things for 2 days!

That's all for now, folks (anyone get the reference??). My brain is tired, and I'm out of photos. Here's to a year.

If you want more mom-awesomeness, see below:

Top Ten Life Lessons My Mom Taught Me

A Letter to the Most Wonderful Woman I've Ever Known

Round 2

♥a

fear

When I finished chemo, I asserted to my dad that I would never get fat…because if I became fat, how would I know if I had a tumor again?

Five years later, I still have days where I press on and around my stomach, to see if I feel anything that is remotely tumor-like. Today is one of those days.

It’s not often that I feel this flood of fear about cancer. Actually, I’d say it’s pretty rare. However, I’m 7.5 months into being 25, and nothing bad has happened this year. Really, it’s the first time in years that I’ve made it so many months without something “bad” happening, and I can’t help but think: Uh oh, something bad must be just around the corner right?

So here I am…two days away from a doctor’s appointment, and petrified that this appointment will bring the news: your cancer is back. You were right.

There’s nothing that strongly supports my fear about cancer. Little things. I’ve been a little more tired than usual—but that’s probably just because it’s summer break, right? I threw up a little the other night—but that was probably because I ate something that didn’t sit right with me, yes?

Some other things that I would share but that might be TMI...they must all be stress-related. Surely the anxiety of FEARING CANCER has stressed my body into these things. Sometimes my stomach feels like it’s extra full, a little bloated. Please let that be the result of my weight and poor summer eating choices. Please.

The real support here of course is the fact that I’m 25, and nothing bad has happened this year.

It’s funny, I reread what I wrote, and I sound like Debbie Downer. I don’t just sound like Debbie Downer, I AM Debbie Downer. I’m sitting in my house, scared of cancer. I am the epitome of Debbie Downer.

Most days of my life, however, I feel REALLY happy. Yup. Even now, I feel so LUCKY with all the blessings in my life. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, a great job, a super-cool dog…

…and that’s probably why this fear weighs all the more heavily on me. I know I can’t live life worried about “what if I get cancer?” (or for that matter, what if I get Alzheimer’s?), but indulge me for a moment. What if I get cancer?? And by “get cancer”…I mean, what if my cancer comes back? If my life sucked, maybe that would be okay. If my life were terrible and dreadful and I weren’t happy, maybe cancer would be fitting.

But life is GOOD now. Life is GREAT now. After ten years of craziness, life has settled. It’s settled in ways I wish it hadn’t (I wish I didn’t live 2000 miles from my family…I wish my mom didn’t die in October…I wish she had never gotten sick),  and in ways I am so happy it did (I have a phenomenal job…despite living so far from my family, I’ve been able to see them and talk with them often…I miss my mom IMMENSELY, but I no longer worry about what will happen to her or if she is in pain or what will happen after she passes away and if we’ll be able to survive it).

Cancer, you are not fitting right now. 

I hope and pray you are not fitting right now.

The next couple days will inevitably be filled with anxiety. They are however days that not many 25 year olds have. I actually have to sit back and force myself to think: Am I happy with my life? If I DO find out I have cancer, what will I do, and will I regret my choices as of late? The whole “live today as if it is your last” mentality comes to mind. Have I been doing that? If my world comes falling around me in a few days, if I find out chemo is the path I need to take…maybe radiation…or God forbid (please, God, forbid this) I find out I have cancer that has spread and is no longer treatable…what is my plan, and have I been living my life as I should have been the past years?

…and the fact is, even if I am healthy, I still need to think:

Am I happy?

Have I been living my life as I should have been the past years (and not just the past years, the past months, the past days)?

I wrote this a week ago and decided I would post this regardless of what my test results were. Fortunately, the blood tests came back fine.
 ♥a

P.S. Dad, I know you will read this. Don't freak out...or cry. I swear I'm fine.

You wish your dad were as awesome as mine

Dear Dad,

Eight and a half months ago, I wrote a letter I don't think anyone ever wants to write.

Seeing as tomorrow is Father's Day, I felt it only fitting I write a letter to you. This is one of those letters I actually want to write...because as I write this, I know you'll have the chance to read it and to (hopefully) understand how much Chris and I love you. You are the best dad ever, no hyperbole here.

Dad, though I'm going to try, there really are no words to fully express how grateful I am for you, so I likely will opt for some embarrassing photos to detail your awesomeness. You are my hero. I don't know that many daughters are lucky enough to have the relationship I have with you; I guess it's one of those perks of cancer and Alzheimer's?

So here goes, the start of an unending list of things I thank you for.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for...

-taking care of Mom and always showing her how much you loved her

-taking care of ME and putting up with my absurd tears when my hair fell out

-taking care of Chris and making sure he always has some obscure kitchen-item in his house, be it a blender or Ronco rotisserie oven so he can set it and forget it!

-taking care of Chloe and feeding her lots of popcorn even though she was kind of the devil and ate dust...

 (have you noticed you do a lot of "taking care" of people?)

-having the coolest facial hair and sideburns possible of any person ever

-taking Chris and me to Indian guide and Indian princess stuff...and wearing this cool Cub Scout leader outfit...

-refusing to buy me a dog

-making sure there was photographic evidence of Chris dressed like this:

and this:

and this:

-putting up with me when I was a baby and stopped breathing and was cool that way...

-making faces like these in photos:

-always ensuring I get a good steak dinner at least once or twice a year

especially around my birthday...

(and thanks for being cool enough to try to order shots of Jager to start my 21st birthday off the right way)

-coming to my graduation dressed like this (damn shingles), because I still laugh when I see this photo:

-never buying me a Kate Spade bag (well, maybe thank you for this...)
-inspiring me not to clutter...

...while also teaching me how to be OCD about loading a dishwasher

-keeping far too much expired stuff in the fridge or freezer so Chris and I can feel productive and useful when we go home
-taking me to Opening Day every year growing up
-NEVER giving up on the Cubs and making sure Chris and I were (and still are) both die-hard fans

-being old enough to have black-and-white photos of yourself

-saran-wrapping my PICC-line so I could shower when I was sick
-getting me whatever food I wanted whenever I wanted it when I was sick
-scaring that nurse so much she probably cried the day my PICC-line was put in
-ensuring we always had the next disk of Friends each day we went to the hospital (oh yeah, and waking up early every day for 9 weeks to drive me to the hospital and sit with me through chemo...that was kind of a big deal)
-since chemo, quoting Friends like you're a 28-year old and watching it every Thanksgiving with me

-letting me stay home on "Daddy, take your daughter to work" day and ordering things from Amazon.com instead
-test-driving this car after I suggested it...

-letting Chris and me grow up in a house this absurdly beautiful

-getting me a MINI so I could be like Charlize Theron in The Italian Job
-picking me up from school after you "may have had a heart attack" (don't do that again, please)
-buying me absurdly expensive sunglasses and glasses despite my inability to take care of them
-taking me to Germany

-being Stan, the Hot Dog Man

 -being the most awesome dad ever

I'm not sure if you caught on there, Dad, but what I'm saying is: You're amazing. I am so thankful for you, and though I will try, words will never be able to tell you thank you enough.

Happy Father's Day.
Happy Anniversary.
Mom would be and is so proud of you.

I love you.

Love,
Alex

"And what lies behind me will not define me... I tell myself nothing can stop me now."

On the heels of my last post, I have to say that music has a stickiness that I don't think anything else has. I've always found a song appropriate to fit each crazy (crazy awesome or crazy ridiculous) part of my life, and though I know that my olfactory may technically have the longest memory (thank you Mr. Sprague), music always seems to be the stronger memory.

So here goes, retracing my steps for the past year or so (excuse the fact that the last 3 songs included are also featured yesterday, but they're awesome, and I put different versions of them so it's okay). I could do the past 10 years (remember that fun post, What will 24 bring?, well trust me, there's a song for each of those crazy moments in my life), but meh, let's go with the sentiment from the title of this post and remember: nothing can stop me now. Yeah, it's been a crazy heck of a decade, but here goes. So far, 25 is pretty awesome.

Moving to LA

You can do this, you can do this; you are not a lunatic.

Crazy would be changing your mind.

My Beginning of the School Year Song

Dear my amazing students, The world is yours.

Music makes my heart happy...

...goodness knows I was blessed with my mom's voice (not the best...), but gosh I adore music. Very little impacts me more. So, here are ten songs I can't stop listening to:

(Just FYI, it's 5:30 in the morning--so yes, these songs are for the most part acoustic and calm...but then again, so is most of the music I listen to.)

Dear James Taylor and Carly Simon, thanks.

This has been one of my favorite songs for a little under 8 years now. That's weird to say.

I think I like guys with their guitars best...and then I listen to Brendan James.

What Do the Contents of Your Car Say About You?

I picked my car up today from the amazing MINI place I now will forever take my car to, MINICORSA. The guy, Danny, who works there is beyond nice; he waited for my car to arrive on Wednesday, and today I picked it up, and it was of course working wonderfully!

As I hopped in my car, I noticed a couple random cheerios on the floor carpets (I shared my snack with Chloe on the drive back--she apparently didn't like it), which led me to think: What do the contents of my car say about me? If someone looked through my car, what would he/she think?

A photo of things found in my car...

So what does it say about me that the following items can be found in my car?

• Loose CDs and empty CD cases: Note that one is Adele+Eliza Doolittle, the other "Songs to Make You Smile" from Kristin for our after school beach drives (or for me when I was trying to smile on my way to work with people who sometimes weren't very nice) last year
• A flashlight: for emergencies. I don't know why I don't have other emergency stuff; a flashlight just seemed very practical and fit easily in the side of my car door.
• An empty makeup case--in theory, I might try to look nice sometimes.
• Headphones for my phone
• Random cards that were placed on my car while it was parked--I get a new one nearly everyday at work
• My hairstylist's card--FYI Monica at The Establishment is amazing!
• Little cards from my iced coffee. One medium, sugar-free vanilla iced coffee please to help me survive my early mornings! Apparently I can earn a free one if I put the stickers all on one card...
• A straw--sometimes I order a water, an iced tea, and an iced coffee. That's what we call a rough morning...and a morning when I can transfer straws from water to tea and have one left over.